Ex Dee 5: The Secret of the Archives!
Do come in to my cavern of wonder. Again, it's time to read the pages left to us by our hedgehog worshipping fathers, all the while pigging out on artery clogging snacks. Come one come all, for it's Ex Dee time. While I hope the fragrant scents of Ex Dee 4 are still lingering in your head, no doubt a few of you may have washed your little noses since. And so without further ado, it's time to stuff your brains with recycled garbage.
From defeating the barons of SoA, thwarting the combined minions of SClassic and the Moogles (with a hint of Area 51 spice), chasing Yuji Naka out of his SoJ lair, through space and exotic lands, the mighty Sonic CulT and had finally cornered the wicked King Jan Abaza, complete with the legendary Sonic the Hedgehog Archives. Just as it looked as if the evil tyrant and his helpers would be toppled once and for all, the evil King hatched a last minute desperation scheme. Using the long-hidden power of the Archives, King Jan was going to unleash the fury of canned Sonic material onto himself, in a last ditch effort to defeat the CulT. Things weren't looking too bright the last time we saw our heroes...
King Jan let out many high pitched girly squeals as he began to absorb the lost data. The CulT and Yuji could only look on in disgust as King Jan began to take on the twisted form of Dust Hill and friends.
King Jan also hand plans in store for his long-term helpers it would seem! Having long been exiled from the Sonic scene, King Jan and his evil crew had been forced to dwell with the lesser beings of the Sonic fandom galaxy. From studying the ways of mutant underlings, King Jan was going to make the situation even worse! It would seem the CulT would have to prepare for far more than a super Crocbot of death!
Super powered, and now super idiocy filled, King Jan was a somewhat different shadow of his former self, now infused with the dark IGN magic, and both LocalH and L0st, he was now King Jan DX! The CulT and Yuji were in for it now!
The CulT were unable to counter such power, even with the combined talents of the artists, everything appeared to be going to pot.
However, it had appeared King Jan had underestimated the power of the scrapped material. While the archives were a great source of power, they were also infested with dangerous information, and hole upon hole of messy code. King Jan hadn't taken into account the bugs contained within the archives when combining himself with this. Not to mention the dangers of using this power AND combining it with the viral IGN idiocy! He wailed and moaned as he was overcome with corrupt data and sloppy design ideas!
King Jan exploded into a thousand glistening pieces, there won't be any Echidna "doing it for his race UH" to come and put you back together today!
King Jan and his wicked group had been defeated by their own hunger for power. The Archives lay open. It was the the time the CulT had waited for, for so long. Yuji was present, the Archives were in their grasp. What were they waiting for? INSIDE OUTSIDE GO CULT!
Yuji let his guard down for this sacred moment, and with a cry of "Sweet Sweet!", Yuji turned the small Archive safe into a swirling vortex of a thousand hedgehog hues. The CulT and Mister Naka embarked upon the SCARZMOBILE XX and rode right in using the fully charged ego trip boosters, complete with screen capturing equipment and boobpix shields. Within seconds they were inside the wonderful Archives, able to see everything hidden away from the fans for so long!
Mister Naka was ever-so helpful, he led the Cult on, revealing many secrets. Why hadn't he wished to do this before? No matter, the CulT wasted no time in noting everything down. Genocide City, Dust Hill, Crackers, byte upon byte of data was munched up by the hungry enthusiasts. The CulT have always been known for there extremely intelligent, adult, and professional way of researching lost Sonic data!
Oh no! Yuji! Say it isn't so! It was a trap!
Yuji giggled at his apparent victory. He had lured the CulT into a place that left them weak, here and now, Yuji was going to destroy them all within the Archives, destroying any trace of Sonic's past. From there on he would be able to freely feed the world constant unoriginal Sonic projects, turning everyone into his mindless "X-TREME" drones, and create the new race of Crush 40's!
Before Yuji had an oppurtunity to finish the CulT off, a deep roar was heard within the Archives. Yuji shook with fear as a giant spirit transpired infront of his very eyes. This was no ordinary ghost, no, this was the ancient voice that told you you had failed the special stages, or had cleared Act 1 of Emerald Hill. Yuji thought he had thwarted this creature during his takeover of Sonic Team. It was the spirit of Hirokazu Yasuhara! One of the lead designers of early, and superior, Sonic gaming products!
Hiro-san was furious! From within the Archives he had seen what Naka had turned Sonic into, and now he would have vengeance! He was sick of guitar riffs, sick of constant new unoriginal characters, sick of everything in Sonic X after the first 8 minutes of episode one, sick of bland sit-back-and-watch 3D game elements, and sick of hearing Sonic wail "YEAA"!
In a vicious rage he attacked everything with a force not seen since the Underground Zone boss of Sonic 2 on the Master System, he was going to break free of this Archive prison, taking Yuji with it! Get out of the way CulT!
The CulT darted back to the SCARZMOBILE XX, as Yuji attempted to fend off the angered spirit. However, dear Yuji's weak cash-cow shield techniques were no match for Hiro-san's superior attack design, the devilish , yet wonderfully original, Ohshima Cannon. Had Yuji not played Sonic CD?!
With the CulT going at full speed towards the exit, so close to reaching the safety of normality, were hit by trouble as Hiro-san caused a cataclysmic explosion on a scale that rivals a dying Dreamcast with the Ohshima Cannon. Everything went a dazzling Wechnia white.
Waking up at the SCARZ bosom of safety, the CulTists looked around. Everyone, bar Yuji, was present, yet all evidence of the Archives had vanished. What had happened to the recovered materials? To Yuji Naka? To Hirokazu Yasuhara? To King Jan?
For shame. Even though the CulT knew themselves that they had seen the truth behind many a Sonic mystery, due to the current state of the Sonic the Hedgehog fanbase, no one would ever believe them, let alone have a long enough attention span to listen.
And with that, the Archive saga comes to a close, as normal life resumed in the land of SCARZ, with many a Sonic mystery still unsolved. Perhaps the CulT would again tackle the vicious lair of Sega, but for now, it was time to kick back and request naked pictures of girls, both (assumed) real and drawn.
Who knows what the book of Ex Dee could have in store for the wily CulT. Another adventure? Ex Dee 6? Ex DeeDee? Ex Dee the RPG? Ex Dee the Movie? Ex Dee X-TREME Revolution DX? Who knows. Whatever the story, rest assured that the loyal Sonic purists will be ready and waiting with hentai galleries and pictures of lesbians, to set the record straight.
Until next time children, Trigger loves you all.
Concept taken from the original No Jam! By Sinizuh